Thursday, March 30, 2006

Cardio for Men

I bought a Pilates DVD not too long ago with the hopes that I would magically become motivated enough to get my ass into shape (literally) before London in May (which, if you look at my countdown counter, is nearing). As great as toning my powerhouse is, all the stretching in the world isn't going to reduce the ever-growing lovehandles that have mysteriously appeared sometime between my college cheerleading days and the last time I ate McDonalds*.

Realizing that I wasn't going to escape the fact that I need some serious cardio in my life in order to reach the goal of 15 Lost Pounds before May 26th, I set out to my local Wal-Mart to buy yet another $9 DVD. I keep my work-outs high class.

I found a Denise Austin** "Burn Fat Fast--Dance Party!" DVD that tempted me. I like dancing. I like parties. I like that it's $9. Sold.

Right away I thought to myself, "Hmm...Denise Austin. Sounds like a porn name***". I should have let that be my first indicator and chosen the "Salsa Thin" DVD instead.

I'm not sure how many of you will understand this reference, but this woman is a cross between any woman porn star and Molly Shannon. Her voice is similar to Mary Katherine Gallagher, and she says "encouraging" phrases such as:

"Oh yeaaaah...feels SO LIKE burning that fat, don't you?"
" KNOW you want to increase your flexibility."
"OOOOOH YES! We're DANCING that fat away. Do you like that?"

And she's got that gruff, scratch voice that makes you think that either she's a long-time smoker or she's been working those phone lines too long.

She also says things that make me want to punch her in her peppy little face:

"Let me see that smiling face!" (after our "power move" has concluded and I'm nearly passed out)
"Make this move your own! It's YOUR dance party!"
"Do the BEST that YOU can!"

As much as I make fun of her, and myself for actually buying this thing, I can't deny the fact that I'm sweating and my heart's a-pounding when I'm cooling down. Props to you, Denise Austin.

I just hope Huw never does what Chris Cope did.

*The people in the drive-thru by my apartment know me now.
**Apparently, she was the clumsy cousin on Three's Company.
***Not that I would know.

Insignificance Conveyed @ 9:50 PM   9 GabbyGabbers

9 "Sure was sweet of you to drop in":

At 6:49 AM, Blogger Leslie "told me"

The worst part about those videos is when you memorize them. Because the only thing worse than hearing her say "Do the BEST YOU CAN" is seeing her stupid smile and knowing it's coming.

At 7:00 AM, Blogger Jona "told me"

You've just reminded me, I keep meaning to buy one of those DVDs - but there're too many to choose from!o)

At 8:40 AM, Blogger Lauren "told me"

Oh, girl, this is hilarious. I need to get my booty more in shape, too. My sister bought some pilates DVDs recently and loves that. . .maybe I should try it.

At 5:30 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake "told me"

That makes it all right, you know. Memorization is good for you.

At 2:59 PM, Blogger anna "told me"

Come on--Denise Austin totally got me through a rough spot with her soothing Pilates tape! "Mmmm...feel that tension release. Feels good, doesn't it?" I agree with you though--I keep expecting her to say, "Yeah, neat. Good times, good times."

At 6:01 PM, Blogger MarkD60 "told me"

At least you use the video, I get hungry, I go out and buy frying pans and condiments and NO FOOD!
I want to get in shape and I go buy weights andrunning shoes and never use them, like just having the stuff to do it with does it.

At 3:49 AM, Blogger Curly "told me"

TV's are for sitting down in front of and monging out, doing anything else is just silly.

At 7:09 AM, Blogger trishy "told me"

My sister and I used to do Denise Austin back in the early 90's and I remember two things quite well.

1. She always had to wear a belt with her leotard. Really, what purpose did that serve?

2. She would always say "Beeauuutiful" at random moments in the workout. And I agree...she totally had that raspy porn star voice.

Oh the nineties. That was also the summer that my sis and I went on the bread diet. Seriously, just bread. What would Atkins say now?

At 3:02 AM, Blogger Chris "told me"

TV exercise videos remove the motivational bit for me: pointless competitiveness, oh and water, lots of lots of water. So maybe I'd do an exercise video if I could do it in a paddling pool, with someone next to me to try to outdo. Now hows that for a traumatic image?


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